Some wonderful work being done by the equally wonderfully named Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz over in Australian kindred spirit Canada came across my desk recently and it felt very worth delving into for you. In research being conducted at the University of Ottawa, sex therapists and people laying claim to fulfilling sex lives have been interviewed to try and nobly answer the question many of us have likely asked ourselves at some point:
Several key findings arose in the research, all neatly tying into one another like a titillating tapestry of sexual gratification. I’ll obviously be so kind as to outline these but see if you can spot the themes on your way before I do!
Keep your mind in the moment
Being present and focused on the task at hand is key. Rather than awareness being pulled to that presentation tomorrow. Or seeing friends later. Or what’s for dinner. They found sex was most fulfilling because they were able to stay present, in body and mind. And listen to those things about what feels good in that moment. This is really tricky for a lot of people, but those who practice staying present with pleasure (in and out of sexual contexts) or create a context that supports their wandering mind in stay focused, often report that sex feels better.
Be on the level
This is certainly tied to the first point and continues on from it. Connect with each other. Get in sync together. Siri, play “2 Become 1” by the Spice Girls. There are a million ways to say this but they all point to the importance of being attuned to your partner(s) and how they’re feeling. If you’re on the same frequency you’ll likely be working towards the same goal of pleasing each other and will stop you from going on autopilot or getting too in your own head or both.
Don’t be intimidated by intimacy
We’re talking the kinda deeply sexual and intensely erotic intimacy that comes with really knowing yourself, your wants and needs, and the same of your partner. This is not to say that a one-night stand or casual fling can’t be some of the best sex of your life and also intensely intimate, the liberating gay abandon of such an occasion often means it will be. The research shows that a meaningful connection beyond just the physical often helps you know each other better and thus know how to please the other better. It also means you’ll know what you want and won’t be afraid to ask for it. Which takes us nicely to our next point…
Communicate, communicate, communicate
Communicate early and communicate often. If you talk about your needs, wants and desires, what does and doesn’t feel good, your fantasies, your turn ons and turn offs, before, during and after, you’ll be well on your way to extremely pleasurable and fulfilling fucking. It can be as simple as “touch me here/like this” or as elaborate as detailing a complex fantasy to your partner. Be vocal. Sharing how you feel and what you want builds trust, removes the guess work and enables your partner to feel they can do the same.
Let the daredevil in
It’s important to create an environment where exploration and experimentation is not only welcomed, but actively encouraged. They say you’ve gotta risk it to get the biscuit and I guess if the biscuit in this context is a more exciting and well-rounded sex life then throw caution to the wind and sink your teeth into that carnal cookie! Any “risk” in this context is really just something you might be nervous to try or suggest. Maybe it’s asking for your nipples to be sucked. Maybe it’s sharing a deeply personal fantasy of yours. Sending a flirty text. Being the one to initiate something. Feeling like you can take these risks without fear of judgement or spoiling the mood will help you be more freely yourself (and that’s on your relationship *yes everyone involved to make all of this feel possible and safe!)
Be yourself, free yourself
Following on from that: be unashamedly, congruently yourself. You don’t need to be performing. No, this doesn’t mean don’t role play, if that’s something you’re into you should definitely do it! It just means that you shouldn’t act a certain way because you think that’s how you should. There are these pretty classic ideas around what being sexual should look or sound like, but if it’s not embodied, or it feels like a performance, we become more focused on the “tyranny of shoulds”, rather than on what actually feels good. It means listening to how you’re really feeling in the moment and valuing your true wants, needs and desires. This will place the focus firmly on pleasure and how you can feel the best, and how you can support your partner(s) in feeling the best too.
Let them in
You’ll need to let your defences down, all the best lovers do. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. The wall being any masks and screens you have hiding things you needn’t actually feel embarrassed about. Being vulnerable may take a bit of time, especially if in the past it hasn’t always been safe to do so. But with the right people, it can also be really special, and healing. Vulnerability shows trust and trust allows sexual partners to let their true desires show, whether in the moment or when discussing them before or after. A relationship free of shame is one of true comfort, connection and support.
“I’m flying, Jack!”
This is something I hear a lot in session: sex is at its best when it feels like you can “transcend the mundane.” But what does that actually mean? It’s those moments when you feel fully present, deeply connected, and completely absorbed. Where whatever exists outside the experience fades into the background. Sex becomes a space where you’re not defined by your roles at work, in daily life, or even within the structure of your relationship. You’re simply in it. This idea is closely aligned with pleasure activism: the understanding that pleasure is not trivial, but a vital reminder of your humanity, something meaningful, restorative, and inherently valuable.
At its best, sex can create a feeling that “this is the most important thing right now.” And in that moment, for all intents and purposes, it is.
Look at all the fulfilling sex going on here! To see more amazing illustrations like this and to get more great tips on having great sex, pick up my best-selling book, The Modern Guide to Sex.
What did you see?
Remember how I said you might be able to spot some themes? Well, if you guessed these two key takeaways from the research’s findings, then congrats! Now you’re thinking like someone having a fulfilling sex life!
Being present
Putting the focus on pleasure
If you’re a regular here, you’ll know these are two of the things I mention most often, and that’s because they’re two of the most important components of having great sex! If you are right there in the moment the whole time, alert to your mind and body, and doing all that you can to make sure the whole experience feels as good as possible for you and your partner(s) then you are well on your way to some of the best sex you’ll ever have.
What didn’t you see?
It’s very worth noting that some things we’d typically associate with sex, or things our brain sometimes unhelpfully thinks about before, during or after sex, weren’t present in the research at all. So, what actually doesn’t contribute to a fulfilling sex life?
Orgasm:
Sex ain’t a race to the finish line. If that’s how you’re conducting things then you’re robbing yourself of a tremendous amount of pleasure and wonderful ways to connect. Cliches are cliches for a reason: they’re often true. You’ve all heard “it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey” and it’s seldom more apt than when talking about sex. Focus on you and your partner’s pleasure and you’ll have a way better feeling experience. Any orgasms are just little bonuses, however big they may be, and they usually end up being way bigger when they’re not your number one priority.
Duration:
There is no right or wrong amount of time to have sex. You can have incredibly fulfilling and exhilarating sex that lasts mere minutes and have sex that lasts for ages but is a bit of a drag. Don’t focus on how long things are going for, rather focus on how good they’re feeling. The focus is that everyone feels as good as possible, not that they’ve got their shift in. Pleasure satisfies, not time.
Frequency:
You don’t need to be having sex a certain number of times a week or month or whatever to have a fulfilling sex life. If you truly feel like you’re personally not having enough sex, then sure, definitely have a calm and measured conversation with your partner about that. But don’t put a number on it. Have sex when you feel like it. If your heart’s not in it then it’s unlikely to be good sex. Being present includes listening to whether you want to have sex at all. Do it when you want to do it.
Technique:
“But I have my moves that I do.” You might. And many of them might feel great a lot of the time. But the first point of truth in good sex is never what you intend to do, rather how you both/all show up in that moment. The best sex is the sex that each of you wants to have. If you listen to everybody’s wants, needs and desires in the moment you’ll create the most pleasurable experience possible.
Body type or appearance:
Not even slightly close to relevant. How your body looks has naught to do with your own sexual desires. Focusing on how your body looks actively goes against some of the key tenets mentioned above as it takes you out it and you’re no longer present. If you’re fucking, they want to fuck you. So focus on enjoying it and how they can fuck you as best they can.
Pay attention. Pay close attention.
Ultimately, if you’re locked in on what’s happening, you’re well on your way to a damn good time. Place focus on honesty, congruence, safety. It’s about how it feels, not how it looks. It’s what is happening then and there, not a performance. Pay attention to all that is going on and you’ll have some of the best sex of your life.
‘Til next time, I hope you stay present, keep it real and have some of the best sex of your life!
G xxx
Reference
Kleinplatz, P.J., Menard A.D., Paquet M.P., Paradis N., Campbell M., Zuccarino D., and Mehak L. (2009). The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of “great sex.” Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 18(1-2), 1-13.